Features

A kaiju attacks Los Angeles

Hungry for destruction, the kaiju makes its way toward the cluster of tall buildings at the city’s center. It knocks them down with a few quick swipes and roars victoriously. Meanwhile, Angelinos simply laugh. Seriously, who even goes downtown?

A kaiju attacks San Francisco

On the one hand, the damage is widespread. On the other hand, many big tech companies and start-ups are destroyed in the fracas. So it is very possible that this is a net positive for humanity.

A kaiju attacks New York

Despite the fact that kaiju have literally just destroyed Los Angeles and San Francisco, New Yorkers flock to social media to post, “Only in New York!” And these New Yorkers would know, by the way. Because they’ve lived here forever (read: since 2015). The kaiju meanwhile tires of the hustle and bustle of the big city and retires to the Hudson Valley, where it enjoys quaint small-town life with a plethora of exciting dining options, thanks to the presence of the Culinary Institute of America.

A kaiju attacks Boston

Or at least it tries to but quickly becomes lost in Boston’s maze-like layout. Boston sports media, meanwhile, rushes to put forward the theory that perhaps the reverberations from the kaiju’s steps could be in some way responsible for Jayson Tatum’s poor crunch-time shooting.