Get to the point.

Online recipes are maddening for two reasons.

The first is the 1,000 or so words of meandering nonsense that you have to scroll through to get to the actual cooking instructions. Nobody cares about the heartwarming backstory to your quiche recipe, we just want to do the thing where the eggs turn into a fluffy appetizer pie.

And yes, we realize that we do exactly the same thing with every single daily deal, but it’s charming as hell when it’s us and we’re doing it for the pure joy of entertaining you wonderful people and not because we’re trying to trick an advertising algorithm into giving us more money. (Oh yes, we went there. Go cry into your AdWords accounts, chef bloggers.)

Well this is a little off the rails. Ahem.

We were supposed to be getting to the SECOND annoying thing about online recipes, and that’s that most of them are filled with preposterous lies, at least with respect to how long things take.

You go to make that “30 minute weekday stroganoff” and after spending 45 seconds scrolling past a eulogy for the writer’s long-dead stroganoff-loving grandmother and another 10 minutes digging for obscure ingredients in the back of the cupboard, you’re on pace to hit the 30-minute mark before you even get the thing in the oven (which is going to take 25 minutes all by itself).

While we don’t actually think it’s possible to get you reliably cranking out meals in the timeframes promised, we do think we can help you make short work out a few steps and at least get a little closer.

This slicer and spiralizer will have you processing vegetables like a pro in just seconds, putting you within spitting distance of getting that 30-minute meal completed in just under an hour.

Sound too good to be true? Hey, we tried. Just throw in the towel on speedy cooking and embrace slow-cooker convenience with today’s bonus deal Crock-Pot Hook Up instead. Just remember to think ahead. If you’re hungry, you’re already too late.