This is a bundle of Quirky products. You either know what that is, or can jump in the forum to ask other people about it.

Why aren’t we giving you more info? Well, we weren’t sure what to write for the Meh-rathon so we decided to look at some past Meh write-ups for inspiration. (You can find a random one here, if you want.) Unfortunately, all that did was make us nostalgic and maybe a little teary-eyed. And then the boss was all “Where’s the write-ups, writer dude?” and we panicked and… uhh… Please enjoy this classic write-up about an entirely different product! Also, feel free to share in the forum if you find one you liked or forgot about or missed entirely.

Dearest Rodrigo,

I have put off writing this letter for I know you will be disappointed by its contents. Do you remember when we traveled to that Eastern European country so remote it did not have a name? And we explored the chamber of the disappeared princess? And I pulled the cord that was both lathered in skin-eating poison and also initiated a lockdown sequence that would’ve left us entombed within for a millennium had you not intuited the location of both the secret passage and the Sacred Salve? You words that day: “Why, Gleg? Why do you have to be this way?”

For that oversight, I had no answer. For this one, the answer is clear: for love.

I’ve been in touch with Fiona again. I had not heard from her since the scorpion incident, and though I knew her intentions to be harmful, I still followed her summons when they came. The journey involved many of the standard elements: a canyon with some riddles; darts when I least expected them; a complicated lock that required a key whittled from a branch of an ancient tree whose bark, legend had it, contained “an innate understanding of all things”; etc.

It all lead me to a modest villa with an expanse of manicured grounds. On the door, a simple note told me to remove my shoes. Which I did, out of respect. And out of love. Inside, I found nothing: no Fiona, no furniture, no art hanging on the walls. The only thing that gave the place any character was the lush high-pile carpet covering every inch of the floor. It was comfortable at first. Then uncomfortable. Then, I gathered, deadly.

You’ve likely already guessed what I’m about to write: this carpet had been treated with a noxious substance concocted by the disgraced podiatrist turned developer of foot-related torture technology, Dr. Green. This I found out some time later. At the time, I had but one thought: run!

Luckily, even in such mental disarray, I was able to remember your trick involving a shortened gait and the strategic wiggling of toes in order to essentially glide over dangerous substances such as hot coals. I used it to escape from the house (without stopping to put on my shoes; such a pause might have been my end), and to run across the aforementioned grounds (which were also treated with the substance), and for another several miles up the road (not treated, but very pebbly and unpleasant).

Needless to say, this excursion has left me a little suspicious of the ground. But as you know, I’ve never been one for sitting down. So it is lucky that I happen to have a GOTRAX Hover Board! It has great power, its electrical safety has been certified, and moreover it keeps my feet a safe distance from the potential dangers of the floor.

You should consider buying one. It would be the perfect mode of transportation to get from your yurt to the Institute of Nonconformist Cartography each morning without breaking a sweat! Congratulations, by the way, on the tenure. Though I doubt you’ll make much use of it. People like you and I don’t stay in one place for long, Rodrigo.

Until our next great adventure,
Gleg Tamperhorn